I was born in Indonesia but since January 2009 I came here in Romania and married my best friend, Nick. Although he was my best, but still there was a hole in my heart that just kept telling me that he wasn’t enough. Loneliness was the thing I often experienced during the first months staying here.
Some young people will think it’s cool to leave family, live abroad, marry someone, and then they will live happily ever after. Wrong.
White or black, red or yellow, no matter what your skin color is you will always, feel, different. At the present of other colors, you will find yourself different.
Language is a barrier for me indeed, but it’s not the biggest barrier. The thing that I found it hard was to keep believing (even until now) that I have a family (like, a group of families actually), which have blue, brown, green, grey, or hazel eyes! For me, most of the time, I see them (and myself) as coming from 2 different part of the world. I am very used seeing people with black eyes black hair. Now here I have to see blondes, blue eyes, cooper, green eyes people and at the same time having this idea: they are my family.
When those moments of ‘I am different’ come, loneliness becomes my best friend.
I tried my best to counter my feelings by listening to music, watching movie, or doing any other things. But it gave me temporary satisfaction. It didn’t work.
To make things even harder, I found out myself pregnant. Things were overlapped: I didn’t manage to adapt completely to this environment, I had my new husband to adapt with, and then…….. now someone else came. Motherhood, being a wife, being a foreigner… …. imagine how ‘easy’ it could be.
I went through those overlapped period with hardship. Some time was easier, but some just hard, almost impossible.
One day in January when I was 5 months pregnant i got kidney infection that made me has to stay at hospital for 7 days. I told God i didn’t understand why I should have this problem and got hospitalized. Another field of adaptation came to my mind: to the Romanian hospital, romanian nurse, and other romanian patients. I never like another ‘additional’ adaptation. Nick’s attendance was a big help for me, and I got scared and worried the moment he had to go home and left me there. I never like hospital. I felt it’s disturbing having to adapt to people and institution when you’re having sickness! I literally hated my condition that moment. The room was too hot and the one next to my bed was snoring so hard that I couldn’t even sleep without waking up every 2 hours.
The moment when we stayed at hospital was the moment when i felt so alone. Then some news came from my husband. There was no water at home, the pipe was frozen, no electricity at home, temperature inside home was 15 degrees (we didn’t use gas at that time). That week was the coldest period in Baia Mare. I remember outside temperature was -15.
But guess where was I? at hospital. Warm. Light.
I felt guilty because at certain point I nagged God, but then it turned out that He planned me to be sicked, so I could stay at hospital, which was warm (too warm) during those coldest period. He let it happen just to do good for me, which was pregnant by the given time. He took care of me during those hospitalized period.
That moment started to wake me up. Little by little I found faith in God that He has prepared everything in front of me, all for my own good. This made me relax more, knowing that my adaptation process was in God’s hand. And He would help me taking care of it.
Then one thing happened.
I gave birth normally in Baia Mare, but the next day she had to be rushed to specialized children hospital in Cluj because she had problem with her lungs.
I thought the hospitalization period was only for keeping me from coldest winter, but then it turned out there’s something more. God prepared me for having to go through another 3 days hospitalization in Cluj. I was there not for me, but for the sake of my daughter (they put me inside so I could stay with my daughter). This time I was sort of okay with the idea of staying at hospital because I had my experience in Baia Mare.
Our daughter died after 5 days I gave birth.
What another adaptation, right?
Now that was the hardest adaptation ever. If I looked back, I thought other kind of ‘adaptations’ were like a joke compared to this one.
I had to adapt to the fact that I lost my daughter. For good.
I had to adapt to the fact that I had to pack again the baby clothing, cradle, and all the stuff we had prepared for her coming.
More than that, I had to adapt to the idea that God is souvereign and all things will happen for good to those who love God.
Since the first time I did accept this fact. But still, I had period of really questioning God. I had period of getting upset on God. During that time, God has proven himself to be patient and loving to me.
At certain time I began to realize that it was better for her to go and be totally healed by God there in heaven than living here but being nothing other than severe problematic child. IF she would stay alive but in that condition, I would only have mila and cry all my time. I wouldn’t want another child. I wouldn’t want.
I did ask why He let me carry her 9 months, but then she went?
But God in His mercy has let me found peace. Knowing that all thing that happened in my life, was only doing the will of God, and it’s only for my best. It wasn’t easy to really keep believing so, but day by day God had made me stronger. So then I stopped asking why and started to give thanks for letting me pass the delivery process safely (so I am still alive now) and also with normal way, not caesarian (in this case i have to wait 2 years to be pregnant again). I started to give thanks because I didn’t have miscarriage that would cause me curetaj and so wait another at least 6 months to be able to be pregnant again. This gives me hope, knowing that there’s nothing that might hinder me to get pregnant again. I still have hope! I couldn’t imagine if i had to wait for 2 years to have another child.
That thing happened 19th June 2010.
Now, early November 2010, I am looking back on those moments.
God in His mercy has helped us not to be bitter on Him nor left Him, therefore had sin against Him.
God in His mercy has sustained us to endure this terrible loss.
And God in His mercy, has given me another baby that is now growing inside me.
To God, be the glory.